I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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