I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
