I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize