Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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