I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
