Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
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