I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
