Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
