it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
