alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
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