So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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