Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
pop tarts are not kleenex
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize