I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
