I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
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