my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
they need to just BURY HIM!
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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