i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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