I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
