I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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