I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
