I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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