At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
