How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
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