Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
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