I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
