Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
