he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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