please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
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