Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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