So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize