my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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