Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
