then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
how do you play pong handcuffed?
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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