I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
