Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
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