I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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