She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
