OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
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