her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
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