I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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