I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
my shit smells like andre
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Randomize
