im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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