I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Randomize
