I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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