Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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