I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
