Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
