i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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