haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Randomize
