Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
