There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
