lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
