I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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