from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
