Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Randomize