i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
