I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
