On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
