her vagine was all disorganized.
Someone shit on the floor
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Randomize
