We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
