can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Randomize
