we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize