They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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