apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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