He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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