Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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